Joe is yelling at the trees again.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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