last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
