I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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