no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
