Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
