Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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