well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
the raccoons are back...
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