I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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