so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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