arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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