I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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