Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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