I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
