I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize