When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize