Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
