...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
