He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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