yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
