I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
