I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
