Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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