Pappa wants mamma naked
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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