My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
