please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
