he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
