He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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