Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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