For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
