btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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