I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
