Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
