my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
