I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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