dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
