i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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