Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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