Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
