Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
