Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
