my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
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