Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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