I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
