I cannot find my penis.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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