It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
