Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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