my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
