Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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