went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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