no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
