saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
