hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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