You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
