i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
