I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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