The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
