A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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